Old Father Christmas entered the room. His elves were already there.
Father Christmas looked the way you’d expect him to look. He was a big, fat old geezer with a huge, real beard. His beard was more or less white but there was still some colour left in it. He’d just spent two hours gluing on his prosthetics. Carefully applied make-up on top disguised his identity effectively. His heavy, green cloak was lined with fur. Being open at the front, it displayed his green leather jerkin and his wide black belt. His baggy black breeches were tucked into his long, black riding boots.
“Bugger this thing.” announced the old boy, throwing his holly wreath onto a nearby table. “Too bloody spiky to keep on anyone’s head.” He then sat down on a sort of throne raised on three steps.
Each Elf had his present sack at his feet. These were the biggest, toughest, strongest, fittest Elves you’ve ever seen. They looked just like any other elves other than that. All their clothing was black, including their three-hole balaclavas. Their black leather gloves were fingerless. That enabled them to wrap the presents more easily. Their only coloured clothes were their DM’s (10-eye, steel-toe Cherry-reds). They had white fur sewn round the tops and cheerful swags of tinsel threaded into the laces. Oh, and of course their pointy red, fur-trimmed Santa caps.
Some of the present sacks seemed to be moving. Adjustment by the afore-mentioned boots soon stopped that. Even the muffled sounds stopped coming from them.
“Ho, ho, ho.” boomed the old fellow. “It’s time to check the presents. We can’t take damaged goods to people can we? Let’s see what we have here. What have you got, Elf Cobweb?”
Elf Cobweb looked as if he wouldn’t need a jack to lift a car while his friend changed a tyre. He dragged a sack towards where his governor sat. He unlocked the chain threaded through the top and tipped the contents onto the floor.
“Ho, ho, ho.” guffawed Father Christmas as a skinhead youth rolled out of the sack. “What a wonderfully wrapped present.” he announced. Bring him closer.”
Elf Cobweb lifted his charge as easily as if he was a toddler. He left him kneeling in front of his boss. The present appeared to be wearing just grey pyjama trousers. He had his ankles and wrists bound. His wrists were connected to his ankles but not very strictly. He was gagged with a knotted red scarf. The tape holding his blindfold in place was white and had holly printed on it.
“Wonderfully wrapped.” repeated Santa, “Ho, ho, ho. Well done, young Cobweb.” So saying, he checked to see that the boy’s wrists were securely bound behind him. “Let him see and please remove his gag so that I may hear what he has to say for himself.”
Father Christmas then sat down again. Elf Cobweb took the boy’s jaw roughly in his great hand. He pulled the cloth from his mouth and pushed his head to make him look down. Elf cobweb then cut the adhesive tape with his sheath knife and ripped the blindfold off. The boy winced but remained silent with his head bowed.
“Ho, ho, ho. Have you been a very good boy this year?”
“No, Santa, I – I - I’m sorry.”
“What did you do to get you brought here?”
The boy looked nervously at Elf Cobweb. He’d spent the last five days persuading the boy to see the error of his ways. The initial bruises didn’t show so badly now. “I kicked someone’s dustbin and spilt the contents into the road.”
“Keep going.” prompted the cheery Elf, giving the pale boy an encouraging boot up the bum.
“She told me off for it the next day. I swore at her and did it again the next week.”
“I did it another couple of times too.”
“Every time I pass her house, I throw pebbles at her window and swear at her.”
“You have obviously been a very naughty boy.” admonished Old Father Christmas. “What happened then? Look at me, boy!”
The lad looked up nervously. He was slightly built but fit looking with an almost translucent skin. “I’m sorry, Santa, I don’t know. I was at home in bed and I saw HIM just standing there.” He shot a frightened look sideways at Elf Cobweb. “He clamped his hand over my mouth. He said that, if I made a noise, I’d be swallowing teeth and speaking with a squeaky voice. He pulled my covers off and grabbed my . . . I nearly shat myself. I don’t know how he got in.”
“Ho, Ho, ho! He’s one of my Elves. Of course he can get in anywhere. His very presence made sure that no one else would wake up until he’d gone. Don’t be silly, boy; it’s magic. Ho, ho, ho! What happened next?”
“I’m sorry! I just don’t know, please believe me.” He was desperate to get the answers right.
“He tied me up and put me in a sack. After God knows how long I just ended up here. I don’t know how he got me here. I don’t even know where I am.”
“Ho, ho, ho! You’re at the North Pole, of course! Where else would you be? Now let’s see how well you’ve learnt your lesson.”
He’d had a few days of Elf Cobweb’s personal attention and that of a few of his colleagues as well. He really wanted to get the next bit right.
“Please, Santa, I’m sorry, I really am . . .”
“Cut the crap and get on with it.” advised the giant Elf.
“Yes, Sir, yes Sir. I will be taken to Mrs Robinson’s house and . . .” He went through his carefully drilled explanation. At the end he looked nervously at Elf Cobweb to see if he’d got it right. The Elf remained impassive.
“Well, young man, if you can get all that right, then you won’t need to come back to see me again. Or my gentle colleague here. Ho, ho, ho.”
Father Christmas then turned to Elf Cobweb. He told him to wrap the present in an acceptable fashion again and not to forget the gift tag. The lad whimpered.
“Look at me!” The captive looked up at Elf Cobweb’s balaclava framed eyes. That was the last thing he saw. A cloth pad was placed over his eyes and taped into place with lots of festive sticky tape. His soggy gag was also replaced. A couple of small sprigs of holly were then tucked into it near the boy’s cheeks. The whole was then held in place with even more festive tape. This didn’t have holly on it. That would have been overkill. This wished the recipients “A Merry Christmas”.
Elf Cobweb then pushed the quivering boy forwards onto his belly. He shortened the rope between his ankles and his wrists leaving a loop in it. A wide (and very strong) red ribbon was then threaded through the loop. The boy was rolled uncomfortably onto his back and the ribbon was tied tightly around his waist. The addition of a fancy bow in front brought out Elf Cobweb’s unexpected artistic side. The finishing touch was another wide (and rather stiff) ribbon which held the gift tag in place. That was clipped quite tightly round his neck.
Elf Cobweb then lifted the gift-wrapped skinhead and placed him in his sack. Once the top had been fastened with a chain and padlock, there could be no escape.
“Ho, ho, ho! Into the sleigh with him!” bellowed the Old Man. With that, Elf Cobweb and his colleague, Elf Bindweed, picked up the sack. They took it outside and threw it into the back of a white van.
When he landed, the lad felt not only the hard floor of the van but also something that was moving. Other presents had been waiting in there for quite some time. It was probably a good job that Father Christmas doesn’t really live at the North Pole!
I dare say that, in the event of a sense of humour failure on behalf of members, the Admins can move this because I'm sure that some readers will not believe that this is indeed a true story. I can't think why!