The Real Father Christmas - And His Elves

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The Real Father Christmas - And His Elves

Postby xtc » Sun Dec 11, 2011 1:52 pm

What follows is a true and "family-friendly" story. Readers will appreciate that all sentences have therefore been kept very short. Even the chapters are short. They have also been written in unashamed British English.

(((((-----00000-----)))))-----00000-----(((((-----00000-----)))))



THE REAL FATHER CHRISTMAS - AND HIS ELVES



Old Father Christmas


Old Father Christmas entered the room. His elves were already there.

Father Christmas looked the way you’d expect him to look. He was a big, fat old geezer with a huge, real beard. His beard was more or less white but there was still some colour left in it. He’d just spent two hours gluing on his prosthetics. Carefully applied make-up on top disguised his identity effectively. His heavy, green cloak was lined with fur. Being open at the front, it displayed his green leather jerkin and his wide black belt. His baggy black breeches were tucked into his long, black riding boots.

“Bugger this thing.” announced the old boy, throwing his holly wreath onto a nearby table. “Too bloody spiky to keep on anyone’s head.” He then sat down on a sort of throne raised on three steps.

Each Elf had his present sack at his feet. These were the biggest, toughest, strongest, fittest Elves you’ve ever seen. They looked just like any other elves other than that. All their clothing was black, including their three-hole balaclavas. Their black leather gloves were fingerless. That enabled them to wrap the presents more easily. Their only coloured clothes were their DM’s (10-eye, steel-toe Cherry-reds). They had white fur sewn round the tops and cheerful swags of tinsel threaded into the laces. Oh, and of course their pointy red, fur-trimmed Santa caps.

Some of the present sacks seemed to be moving. Adjustment by the afore-mentioned boots soon stopped that. Even the muffled sounds stopped coming from them.


Elf Cobweb


“Ho, ho, ho.” boomed the old fellow. “It’s time to check the presents. We can’t take damaged goods to people can we? Let’s see what we have here. What have you got, Elf Cobweb?”

Elf Cobweb looked as if he wouldn’t need a jack to lift a car while his friend changed a tyre. He dragged a sack towards where his governor sat. He unlocked the chain threaded through the top and tipped the contents onto the floor.

“Ho, ho, ho.” guffawed Father Christmas as a skinhead youth rolled out of the sack. “What a wonderfully wrapped present.” he announced. Bring him closer.”

Elf Cobweb lifted his charge as easily as if he was a toddler. He left him kneeling in front of his boss. The present appeared to be wearing just grey pyjama trousers. He had his ankles and wrists bound. His wrists were connected to his ankles but not very strictly. He was gagged with a knotted red scarf. The tape holding his blindfold in place was white and had holly printed on it.

“Wonderfully wrapped.” repeated Santa, “Ho, ho, ho. Well done, young Cobweb.” So saying, he checked to see that the boy’s wrists were securely bound behind him. “Let him see and please remove his gag so that I may hear what he has to say for himself.”

Father Christmas then sat down again. Elf Cobweb took the boy’s jaw roughly in his great hand. He pulled the cloth from his mouth and pushed his head to make him look down. Elf cobweb then cut the adhesive tape with his sheath knife and ripped the blindfold off. The boy winced but remained silent with his head bowed.

“Ho, ho, ho. Have you been a very good boy this year?”

“No, Santa, I – I - I’m sorry.”

“What did you do to get you brought here?”

The boy looked nervously at Elf Cobweb. He’d spent the last five days persuading the boy to see the error of his ways. The initial bruises didn’t show so badly now. “I kicked someone’s dustbin and spilt the contents into the road.”

“Keep going.” prompted the cheery Elf, giving the pale boy an encouraging boot up the bum.

“She told me off for it the next day. I swore at her and did it again the next week.”

“And?”

“I did it another couple of times too.”

“What else?”

“Every time I pass her house, I throw pebbles at her window and swear at her.”

“You have obviously been a very naughty boy.” admonished Old Father Christmas. “What happened then? Look at me, boy!”

The lad looked up nervously. He was slightly built but fit looking with an almost translucent skin. “I’m sorry, Santa, I don’t know. I was at home in bed and I saw HIM just standing there.” He shot a frightened look sideways at Elf Cobweb. “He clamped his hand over my mouth. He said that, if I made a noise, I’d be swallowing teeth and speaking with a squeaky voice. He pulled my covers off and grabbed my . . . I nearly shat myself. I don’t know how he got in.”

“Ho, Ho, ho! He’s one of my Elves. Of course he can get in anywhere. His very presence made sure that no one else would wake up until he’d gone. Don’t be silly, boy; it’s magic. Ho, ho, ho! What happened next?”

“I’m sorry! I just don’t know, please believe me.” He was desperate to get the answers right.

“He tied me up and put me in a sack. After God knows how long I just ended up here. I don’t know how he got me here. I don’t even know where I am.”

“Ho, ho, ho! You’re at the North Pole, of course! Where else would you be? Now let’s see how well you’ve learnt your lesson.”

He’d had a few days of Elf Cobweb’s personal attention and that of a few of his colleagues as well. He really wanted to get the next bit right.

“Please, Santa, I’m sorry, I really am . . .”

“Cut the crap and get on with it.” advised the giant Elf.

“Yes, Sir, yes Sir. I will be taken to Mrs Robinson’s house and . . .” He went through his carefully drilled explanation. At the end he looked nervously at Elf Cobweb to see if he’d got it right. The Elf remained impassive.

“Well, young man, if you can get all that right, then you won’t need to come back to see me again. Or my gentle colleague here. Ho, ho, ho.”

Father Christmas then turned to Elf Cobweb. He told him to wrap the present in an acceptable fashion again and not to forget the gift tag. The lad whimpered.

“Look at me!” The captive looked up at Elf Cobweb’s balaclava framed eyes. That was the last thing he saw. A cloth pad was placed over his eyes and taped into place with lots of festive sticky tape. His soggy gag was also replaced. A couple of small sprigs of holly were then tucked into it near the boy’s cheeks. The whole was then held in place with even more festive tape. This didn’t have holly on it. That would have been overkill. This wished the recipients “A Merry Christmas”.

Elf Cobweb then pushed the quivering boy forwards onto his belly. He shortened the rope between his ankles and his wrists leaving a loop in it. A wide (and very strong) red ribbon was then threaded through the loop. The boy was rolled uncomfortably onto his back and the ribbon was tied tightly around his waist. The addition of a fancy bow in front brought out Elf Cobweb’s unexpected artistic side. The finishing touch was another wide (and rather stiff) ribbon which held the gift tag in place. That was clipped quite tightly round his neck.

Elf Cobweb then lifted the gift-wrapped skinhead and placed him in his sack. Once the top had been fastened with a chain and padlock, there could be no escape.

“Ho, ho, ho! Into the sleigh with him!” bellowed the Old Man. With that, Elf Cobweb and his colleague, Elf Bindweed, picked up the sack. They took it outside and threw it into the back of a white van.

When he landed, the lad felt not only the hard floor of the van but also something that was moving. Other presents had been waiting in there for quite some time. It was probably a good job that Father Christmas doesn’t really live at the North Pole!


TBC
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I dare say that, in the event of a sense of humour failure on behalf of members, the Admins can move this because I'm sure that some readers will not believe that this is indeed a true story. I can't think why!
Last edited by xtc on Sun Dec 02, 2012 3:10 am, edited 2 times in total.
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Re: The Real Father Christmas - And His Elves

Postby William F Somebody » Sun Dec 11, 2011 6:09 pm

I get it now! You, xtc, are really Father Christmas, and you told this in the third person!! :mouthopen:

I salute you, Father Christmas!!! The receipient of the bound boy present is very lucky indeed!!

Now that I know how I can contact you, maybe I don't need to buy presents this Christmas. :big:

By the way, it is obvious that this story is positively, absolutely, 100% true! Anybody who thinks this didn't happen need to have their head examined!! :lol:

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Re: The Real Father Christmas - And His Elves

Postby xtc » Sun Dec 11, 2011 6:39 pm

I am obviously not at liberty either to deny or confirm my possible identity as the Real Father Christmas. :wink: I hope you will understand.
All I can say is, "I hope that you've been a very good boy this year, Ho, h . . ." Oops! :oops:
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Re: The Real Father Christmas - And His Elves

Postby TUfriend » Sun Dec 11, 2011 9:17 pm

Brilliant. Just perfect. Although what should we expect from the master?
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Re: The Real Father Christmas - And His Elves

Postby xtc » Mon Dec 12, 2011 2:07 am

Spock: Really, Captain, my modesty.
I presume you know Captain Kirk's response.
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Re: The Real Father Christmas - And His Elves

Postby Chase Ricks » Mon Dec 12, 2011 4:00 am

Too bad I have been naughty. Will you perhaps make a fictional version for members here who wish to be sent to see Santa? I can guarantee you will not regret it too much indeed. Great story start though I must say.
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Re: The Real Father Christmas - And His Elves

Postby xtc » Tue Dec 13, 2011 9:31 am

May I thank respondants for treating this true story with the respect it deserves?
Here's the next part.

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THE REAL FATHER CHRISTMAS - AND HIS ELVES



Elf Bindweed


The van had been decorated for the occasion. “Santas Slay” had been carefully written on both sides in graffiti style. That was Elf Bindweed’s artistic side showing. He didn’t get the irony of the pun. He just can’t spell. He can’t punctuate either!

Wonderful swathes of Ivy had been painted all round the vehicle. A red-nosed reindeer had been painted on the bonnet holding a bottle of gin. (Elf’s just got to have fu-un!) The slogan “EAT MY (STAR) DUST” decorated the rear doors. Elf Bindweed surrounded it with representations of lots of grey exhaust fumes. Sparks and stars completed the concept. He then appended his tag. Job done!

Elf Bindweed returned into the Presence. “Ho, ho, ho. Well, my boy, what have you brought for my inspection?” Elf Bindweed opened his sack and emptied its contents in front of The Boss.

A skinny kid, probably about seventeen years old, with dark, curly-hair, lay on the floor struggling. He was certainly making more noise than the previous present.

“Elf Bindweed, I’d’ve thought you would have wrapped the present better than this. What went wrong?”

By now Elf Bindweed had his prisoner face down with a DM on his neck. The boy was naked. His hands were bound behind him and his elbows had been drawn tightly together. His legs were bound tightly at just about every imaginable station. Even his thumbs had been bound with para cord as had his big toes. Instead of the festive packaging, he was drooling round a rather cruel ball gag. Masses of gorilla tape covered his eyes.

“Sorry, Boss, we’ve only had three days to work on this one. He might not be ready yet.”

“Does he know that, if he doesn’t go tonight, he has to wait until next year? My magic will make sure that no one misses him until then.”

“He has been told but I don’t think he believes me.”

“How come he’s naked? You know some people don’t like their presents naked.”

“Well, Elf Cobweb and I visited him at home and he wasn’t prepared to listen to reason. Elf cobweb grabbed him and ended up with his jeans in his hands. You know, those silly things with the belt under the wearer’s bum? I rugby tackled him and the skinny little bastard slipped out of my grasp and out of his boxers. By the time Elf Cobweb grounded him, he was naked. Not my fault, Guv’ner.”

“How am I going to hear his confession if he needs to be gagged like that? And how he is going to tell me how he will make amends?”

“He’s written it down.”

“Ho, ho, ho. Don’t you mean you’ve written it down?”

“Guv’ner!” said Elf Bindweed trying to sound hurt. Elf Bindweed was tall and wiry with well defined muscles. He wasn’t the brightest candle in the convent but he was honest.

“He wrote it down and Elf Bramblethorn read it through and corrected it. After a bit of persuasion, admittedly. Most presents give up when they’ve been standing up to their necks in water for 24 hours. The trouble is that this guy keeps struggling once he’s been taken out again. He’s had to re-write it four times already.”

Old Father Christmas read the list of offences and asked the boy if he was prepared to co-operate. He continued to struggle under Elf Bindweed’s boot.

“Very well, don’t bother putting him in your sack, he won’t be delivered tonight. Young man, I can work magic; I could make you contrite. But you have to see the error of your ways for yourself. You have to accept responsibility. You will have to wait ‘til next year. Elf Yewtree, bring me my staff.”

A smaller, bespectacled Elf brought an ivy-wrapped staff to Father Christmas. It stood about three cubits high and had a large ruby imbedded in the top surrounded by holly.

“So are all such as he easily forgotten.” intoned the old Magician as he circled widdershins. The base of the wand traced a dark circle on the floor that almost immediately vanished. “Give him one more chance, Elf Bindweed.” The next instructions went along the lines of, “OK, Son, take the car but be back before midnight.”

Elf Bindweed took his charge to the Reliant Robin and strapped him firmly into the passenger’s seat. He flew it to the boy’s home where he removed the tape around his eyes. Being Father Christmas’s car, it could sit in the living room without anyone noticing. Not only that, no one could hear what was going on inside it either. Elf Bindweed just told his charge to listen. Did anyone mention him? Had anyone missed him? Were any of his presents under the tree? The little “plastic wheelbarrow” was flown into the bedroom that he shared with his little brother. His bed was not there. Neither was his wardrobe nor anything else of his. It was as if he had never existed.

“Want to go now, mush?”

The boy nodded.

Elf Bindweed then took off his cap and placed it on the present’s head. He pulled it down over his eyes and taped it into place. On the way back to HQ(NP) the Elf explained that it wasn’t too late to be delivered this year. Santa could reverse his spell. He’d only do it if he thought that his charge would get things right. He’d have to make a full face to face confession. He’d also have to tell Father Christmas what he was going to do to make amends to his victims.

Elf Bindweed removed his passenger’s gag and steered the little car through the air. As he did so, he asked questions. The skinny boy told him the crimes he had committed (He was a burglar). He also rehearsed what he would say to Elf Bindweed’s “Guv’ner”. He had an offer to make to each of his victims. By the time his journey was over, he was word perfect.

Elf Bindweed replaced his passenger’s gag but it was not as tight as previously. He released his seat belt and hauled him over his shoulder and into the presence of the Old Man. The distraught boy was made to kneel and Elf Bindweed re-claimed his cap and pulled out the gag. Being bound as tightly as he was made it very difficult for him not to fall over.

“Ho, ho, ho! And have you been a very good boy this year?”

“No, Santa.”

“Speak up, Boy, I’m old and I can hardly hear you! Ho, ho, ho!”

Without lifting his head the dark-haired boy said, “No, Santa, I’m sorry.”

“Look at me. Tell me EXACTLY what you’ve done.”

The quaking boy looked into those eyes. He knew they could see into his soul. In about ten minutes he had confessed to four burglaries. He had only confessed to three of them at the hands of Elf Bindweed and his colleagues. Raised eyebrows and shrugs were exchanged.

The young burglar knew that if he blew the next bit, he would have to wait ‘til next year.

“If you are to be given as a present, you must get it right. What are you going to do?”

“First I’ll be delivered to the Morrisses where . . .” After another ten minutes of promises, sniffs and pleadings, the burglar had finished.

“Elf Bindweed, I think we can send this present, don’t you?”

“Yes Guv’ner, I’ll get the present wrapped. I can get him ready before the sleigh has to leave.” With that Elf Bindweed dragged the sobbing boy out of the room by his ankles. He retrieved his sack and carried it in his other hand

They came to Elf Bindweed’s workshop. The present was chained by the neck so that he could sit on a stool by a work-bench. Elf Bindweed then cut the bindings round his legs, toes, arms, thumbs and wrists. He gave him a jockstrap and several lengths of tinsel.

“That’s what you’ll be wearing when you’re delivered. Make it festive. Make a really good job of it. Just follow the dotted lines.” So saying Elf bindweed handed over a needle and a reel of strong button thread. Looking at the jockstrap the skinny kid noticed a lot of pen lines all over it. He started by sewing a length of tinsel around the top of the waistband. He wasn’t so stupid as to forget to stretch the elastic as he sewed. He added another length of tinsel round the bottom of the waistband. The next application was two spirals round the straps. The final touches were strips of tinsel down each side of the support and one more up the middle.

Once he had finished, Elf Bindweed checked the burglar’s work and told him to put the garment on. “OK, stand up, let’s have a look”

The embarrassed boy stood and, on command, gave a twirl. Elf Bindweed proclaimed himself satisfied. He then un-chained him and bound him in just the same way as the skinhead had been tied up. Well nearly, he did replace the ball gag and dressed it with gift tape. Then he appended a gift tag. The Elf then lifted the skinny kid into his present sack. It was as if he’d weighed less than a Christmas bauble. The chain was padlocked in place and Elf Cobweb helped to throw the present into the sleigh. That caused the inevitable muffled protests as he landed on several others. The two Elves exchanged satisfied grins.

TBC
Last edited by xtc on Fri Nov 30, 2012 7:49 am, edited 3 times in total.
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Re: The Real Father Christmas - And His Elves

Postby Chase Ricks » Tue Dec 13, 2011 9:50 am

Very well done xtc.
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Re: The Real Father Christmas - And His Elves

Postby Myhandsaretied » Tue Dec 13, 2011 12:41 pm

A rather entertaining read, indeed!

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Re: The Real Father Christmas - And His Elves

Postby LauraHogtieTickled » Fri Dec 16, 2011 6:31 am

Very Good So Far :)

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Re: The Real Father Christmas - And His Elves

Postby xtc » Fri Dec 16, 2011 9:49 am

Thanks very much for the positive replies. I wasn't sure how this joke true story would go down.

Wassail!
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To LauraH: what do you mean "so far"? Don't forget that it's not too late to be delivered this year!
FX

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Re: The Real Father Christmas - And His Elves

Postby xtc » Fri Dec 16, 2011 4:26 pm

THE REAL FATHER CHRISTMAS - AND HIS ELVES



Elf Starshine


In between the leaving and reappearance of Elf Bindweed Father Christmas continued his work.

“Ho, ho, ho! Who else has a present for me to inspect?”

A puzzled look came over the elderly gent’s face as three Elves appeared before him. Each had a present sack which didn’t seem as heavy as the previous ones had been. “Ho, ho, ho! What do we have here, my loyal Elves?”

“Three tiddlers, Boss.” replied Elf Starshine. Then he and his two colleagues emptied their sacks onto the floor. Elf Starshine had sparkling green eyes and moved like a cat. He wasn’t as big as the previous two Elves but not many presents managed to evade him. He always managed to deliver; no recipient had ever been disappointed on Christmas morning. The other two Elves, Elves Eyebright and Dewfall were also no slouches at their jobs.

Three squirming smaller kids were rolling on the floor at the feet of the boss. They’d been well tutored. Each one frantically tried to kneel. Their attempts to face Father Christmas caused much mirth among the assembled Elves.

“Ho, ho, ho! I think you’ll find I’m over here.” boomed the Ancient One. The presents scrabbled around on their knees trying to face the voice. The Elves made any necessary fine adjustments with their boots. “Bring me that one.” demanded Father Christmas pointing at a dark-haired eleven-year old. Elf Starshine picked him up by the hog-tie rope, not the boy’s favourite method of travel. He carried him onto the platform where his boss was sitting, knelt him down and removed his gag. The squeal as the festive Sellotape was ripped off his face served to alarm both the other presents.

“Ho, ho, ho! And have you been a very good boy this year?”

“N – N – No, Santa.” At this stage the poor kid wet himself.

“What do you have to say for yourself?”

Between the sobs the little kid explained whilst vainly trying to alleviate his discomfort. He was one of the young lads who always hung around the village pizza place every Saturday. Nothing wrong with that but . . . Next door to the pizza place there was a cafe with a patio. Elderly patrons were fed up with his climbing over the wall and dropping onto the outdoor tables. He would also collide with things and even people whenever he landed unsteadily. He would then go back over again to re-join his friends, usually having rescued their football.

“I’m sorry, Father Christmas, honest. I won’t do it again.”

“And what are you going to do to apologise to those people?”

Little Jack, that was his name, repeated his well-rehearsed routine. He knew that, if he didn’t get it right, he’d be handed back to Elf Starshine and his colleagues. He wanted his ordeal over with; he didn’t want the Elves to “reason with him” any more.

“Ho, ho, ho! Sounds like you’ve learnt your lesson, young man. Wrap the present attractively and put him in the sleigh.”

Jack plucked up all his courage. “Please, Father Christmas, can I change out of these wet trousers?”

“Ho, ho, ho. Of course you may. What have you brought to change into?”

Jack spotted the snag. “N – N – Nothing, Sir.”

“Please don’t call me “Sir”, I’m Father Christmas.” (You have to imagine Brian Blessed at this stage.)

“Sorry, sorry, please Father Christmas, I’ll stink. I can’t be a present like this.”

“Elf Starshine, take this poor little boy away and help him out of his predicament.”

“Yes, Boss.” So saying the Elf picked up the crying boy and dumped him unceremoniously into his present sack.

“I wish you wouldn’t call me ‘Boss’”, said Father Christmas wearily.

“OK, Guv’ner!” came the cheery response as the Elf hoisted the present sack over his shoulder. Father Christmas sighed. His staff was unbeatable, they were superb, each one was brilliant at his job. But what happened to respect for old age and position?

“Next!” demanded Father Christmas with a sigh but without the usual “Ho, ho, ho!”

Elf Eyebright tipped out his present for the boss’s inspection. Meanwhile Elf Starshine took Jack to his workshop. First Jack was gagged again; usual method complete with festive Sellotape. Then Elf Starshine issued his instructions. He undid the boy’s hog-tie rope and hung him rather like Elf Bindweed had done with his present. Jack could stand and even bend a little and could sit on a stool near the work bench. Elf Starshine removed Jack’s blindfold and, following horrible threats, untied his wrists and ankles.

“OK, whip ‘em off.”

Jack looked alarmed but a quick look at Elf Starshine convinced him to do as he’d been told. With some difficulty Jack slipped off his shoes and removed his trousers and his sodden boxers. He made a pathetic attempt to preserve his modesty with his hands and his pulled down sweatshirt.

“Don’t bother with that nonsense, you’ve got work to do. You can’t be presented like that. You’ll have to make yourself a loin-cloth. Hold this up.” With that, Elf Starshine passed a rectangle of red fabric between the boy’s legs. Jack had to hold it up both fore and aft. Elf Starshine then wrapped a leather thong twice round the boy’s waist tying it in a clove hitch. A reef knot fastened the belt in place and Jack was told to drop the fabric. The red cloth now hung down in front of and behind its wearer. It looked rather like a much shorter, scrunched up version of a Native American breech cloth.

“Alright, take off your sweatshirt.” Jack did so. “And your t-shirt.” As he did so, Jack thought that at least he would still be decent. Elf Starshine then adjusted the thong until it sat down on the present’s hips. He achieved this by jerking the ends of the “garment” forcibly downwards. That caused Jack to squeal and panic quite considerably. The squeal was effectively muffled by his gag. Jack’s hands moved quickly to comfort his aching privates as panic shone in his eyes.

“Now you have to complete your garment. I’ll mark it out for you.” Elf Starshine took a marker and drew two lines below the line of the leather thong. “Right, take it off and get sewing.” Reluctantly Jack slipped the fabric free from the belt and then untied the belt. He made inadequate attempts to cover himself with is hands as the Elf lifted him onto the stool. After that he gave up the attempt.

Elf Starshine showed Jack how to sew ducts into the cloth to accommodate the leather thong. It didn’t take Jack long to complete his costume and to tie it into place. He only hoped he had managed to tie the thong belt tightly enough at his hips. “OK spread it out a bit.” Once Jack had adjusted the crude garment as best he could, Elf Starshine tied him up again. He lifted him into his sack and took him back to Father Christmas.

Meanwhile, Jack’s fellow presents had been allowed to confess and make their offers of restitution. They didn’t have to confess to climbing the wall. They did, however, admit to causing a minor car accident by kicking their football across the road. By the time Jack had returned, the other two boys were stripped to their underpants and re-tied. All that remained was to sack them up and they were ready to go. Elves Starshine, Eyebright and Dewfall then lifted their sacks onto their shoulders. They took them over to the sleigh and threw them in with very little ceremony.

As the Elves left to prepare for the night’s deliveries, they noticed that the “Boss” was still working.

“Ho, ho, ho! Ah Dmitri, I’m Old Grandfather Frost. And have you been a very good boy this year? . . .” He was speaking perfect Russian to the frightened blonde boy but all the Elves could understand. . . .


Magic and Science


Of course I don’t expect all my readers to believe this story. After all, how could Father Christmas and his Elves make all the deliveries in a single night? The answer is simple: a combination of magic and science. You’ve already read about the magic used by Elves Cobweb and Bindweed. I have also told you that everyone can understand what Father Christmas says. You have heard about the magic the Old Man uses to cause people to be forgotten. There is much more magic that doesn’t occur in this story and some that does.

How they have time to deliver presents to every household in the world is simple science. Father Christmas and his elves exist in a parallel dimension. Their time-scale is completely different from ours. He has obtained technology from Gallifrey. How else could he get all those presents – and all his elves – into one transit van? They even have to get the Robin Reliant in. I think that explains that adequately. Now back to the story.

TBC

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

May I urge all my readers to be VERY good boys and girls this year?
It's really not worth taking the chance
.

PS. Shane, your name IS on the list. It's just that there's a real backlog at this time of year. No one ever expects the North Pole inquisition!
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Re: The Real Father Christmas - And His Elves

Postby tiedup101 » Fri Dec 16, 2011 4:34 pm

HEHEHEHE! Great story!
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Re: The Real Father Christmas - And His Elves

Postby Chase Ricks » Fri Dec 16, 2011 11:18 pm

Great chapter. I can't hardly wait to read about myself. lol
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Re: The Real Father Christmas - And His Elves

Postby xtc » Tue Dec 20, 2011 10:48 am

THE REAL FATHER CHRISTMAS - AND HIS ELVES



The Night Before Christmas


Before starting the night’s deliveries, Father Christmas needed to complete his costume. Remembering his dignity, he picked up the holly wreath and replaced it casually on his head. “Bloody thing. Whose idea was all these prickles? Irritates like nobody’s business.” The Elves were used to this; they have to tolerate it every year. One year Elf Yewtree suggested that, as “The Boss”, Father Christmas could dress as he liked. “Bloody nonsense. People expect to see me looking like this. Can’t disappoint my public.” The elves all looked at one another ruefully. Nobody bothered to suggest that again. And that was over four-hundred years ago, Elf-time.

“All aboard.” called Elf Yewtee, whose job it was to keep everything on track. In no time at all (Earth-time) hundreds of elves and millions of presents were loaded. Most of the presents were just the normal type: socks, video games, naughty undies, etc. But the amount of room taken up in the sleigh by naughty boys would surprise most of you. The rest of this story will concentrate on the deliveries of the youngsters you have already met.


Present Jack


The first delivery was Jack. He was delivered to the cafe owner’s bedroom by Elf Starshine. The Elf took him out of his sack, removed the blindfold and gag and rearranged the gift tag. Elf Starshine waited until the sound of sleigh bells signalled the departure of the sleigh. Actually, sleigh bells were what any attentive humans would have heard. Elf Starshine heard “La Cucaracha” on the van’s horn. Elf Bindweeed was obviously driving. “Right boy, Get on with it and get it right.”

Jack looked at Elf Starshine and noticed once more the festive bovver boots. He didn’t particularly want to meet them any more intimately. “Hmm, Hmm,” he coughed, quite gently, trying to wake Elizabeth and her husband.

“Louder, boy.” Elf Starshine’s green eyes glared through his balaclava.

“Hmm, Hmm.” Once he’d left the boy to panic for a few attempts, Elf Starshine took pity. He took the customary sleeping spell off the couple. Jack could have crawled down the nearest crack in the floor-boards. There he was, dressed like Tarzan, kneeling hog-tied on his neighbours’ floor. He went through his apology routine. He offered to collect the “dirties” every weekend and every Friday in August of next year. That was always a bind for Elizabeth’s staff. She was surprised, to say the least, to see a loincloth-clad boy kneeling there and apologising. She thought that a smart white shirt and black trousers would be more appropriate for work. She thanked the cute little Elf for delivering her present and went back to sleep. The state in which Elizabeth saw Elf Starshine really hadn’t dawned on Jack. All he could see was the bovver-booted thug. Elizabeth and her husband lay down their heads again and went back to sleep.

Elf Starshine gagged and blindfolded the nearly naked boy who was by now shaking with cold. When he was in the sack once more, the chill disappeared. It did, though, seem to take forever until the sleigh returned. Elf Starshine was the last to load his sack into the sleigh for the return journey.


Other Deliveries


Elves Eyebright and Dewfall reported that they had uneventful nights. Their two presents had apologised to a couple of drivers each. They also promised to wash people’s cars for free in the supermarket car park every weekend of next August. None of their recipients, of course, saw the Elves in their true form. As far as they were concerned, the Elf was just as they’d expect. They saw a little guy with a jerkin, pointy shoes, pointy ears and a pointy hat.

Everything seemed to have gone smoothly. Elf Bindweed had loaded the pale, skinny burglar into the Reliant Robin and taken him to all four victims in turn. He made various offers of restitution whilst kneeling wearing just his festively decorated jockstrap. He was going to have to do domestic work, maintenance and gardening for each of his victims. Only five days each if he could return what he had stolen but ten days if he couldn’t. That would make sure he was busy throughout the summer holiday. Elf Bindweed then gagged and blindfolded the youth again but with gorilla tape this time. There was no need to bother with the seasonal Sellotape now. The Robin Reliant then headed off for HQ(NP) again. Elf Bindweed knew he could make it back before the sleigh. He could then get on with warming the mince pies and mulling the cider. The Elves liked to let their hair down after a busy night’s work.

Elf Cobweb had had fun too. He had delivered the skinhead yobbo to Mrs. Robinson’s house and forced him to kneel. Once there he had to offer to do all the old dear’s shopping every day of the next summer break. Even worse: he also had to take her appalling toy poodle for a walk twice a day. As if that wasn’t embarrassing enough for a “tough” teenager, it was pink! He certainly wasn’t getting much of a summer holiday next year. Elf Cobweb more or less mummified the boy’s head with gorilla tape. He then returned him to the sack and waited for the return of the sleigh. While waiting, the Elf explained to Mrs. Robertson what the boy had to do. First he would have to strip and put on only the pyjama trousers that he was wearing again. He’d then have to fasten the stiff ribbon and the gift tag round his neck and report for duty. The yobbo was getting less and less happy with each passing sentence.

“Don’t worry, Thicko.” said Elf Cobweb giving his charge an encouraging boot up the bum. “As long as you dress properly, only Mrs. Robinson and you will see the pj’s. Everyone else will think you’re dressed properly. The Boss will explain later. You’d just better hope you don’t grow too much before next August. Oh, and if you manage to “lose” them, you’ll need to go to work naked.”

A whimper escaped the boy’s gag. Old Father Christmas could obviously use his magic to facilitate the illusion but more of that later.


On Our Sleigh Home


Before too long, the sleigh arrived and Elf Cobweb loaded his sack for the return journey. At least this time Elf Bindweed wasn’t at the wheel. As they flew home some passengers were obviously happier than others. The seasonal songs started with “Jingle Bells, Batman smells . . .” Once that had paled there was: “We three Kings of orient are, one in a taxi, one in a car, . . .” After that came that eternal favourite, “Send in the Cavalry”. “Elves will be Elves.” thought the Old Boy as they passed round the elderberry wine. But he did hope that Elf Yewtree would put his foot down a bit.

The Elves passed the journey happily enough singing and drinking whilst seated on the sacks. Every so often, when one of the contents wriggled, he would feel the back of a DM. The hint, accompanied by an encouraging remark, was usually quickly taken. The journey passed in a trice for the Elves, after all, what’s a few hours to an Elf? It didn’t pass quite so quickly for the unfortunate presents. They were glad to feel the white van landing once more and to feel themselves being unloaded. As if they hadn’t already been tortured enough, by now the four-ale choir was in full cry.


Final Assembly


“Ho ho (Ho ho), Ho ho (ho ho), Ho ho (Ho ho), Ho ho (ho ho),
And jingle, jingle, jing-a-jing-jing, and merry may we be,
And jingle, jingle comes this way, he comes with a Christmas tree
A Christmas tree, a Christmas tree, a Christmas tree, a Chriiiiiiiistmas tree!”

The presents were unloaded and carried to Old Father Christmas’s throne room. There was time for the full horror of all eight verses and choruses before the Elves started anew. Fortunately they only had time for three verses of “While Shepherds Watched . . .” Unfortunately it was that bloody awful “Sweet Chiming Christmas Bells” version. The sacks were deposited on the floor and the contents decanted. By that stage, the presents would have preferred to be listening to Justin Bieber.

By that stage even Father Christmas had taken a little sloe gin. He was sitting comfortably having slung the annoying holly wreath into a corner. “Ho, ho, ho. And have we all had a jolly time?” The kneeling presents didn’t know whether they were supposed to answer or not. The gags took the decision out of their bound hands. “Well, my fine Elves, I think Elf Yewtree and I can take care of things from here. Off you go and enjoy yourselves. And Elf Bindweed, do try to keep out of Fairy Snowflake’s knickers this year. We need her back in the grotto next year. You know, I must have delivered zillions of presents over the centuries. I can still never think what to give a three-month-old.”

“It’s alright, Boss, he’s already useless: too much dandelion wine while he was doing the mince pies.”

“Thank you, Elf Cobweb but please don’t call me “Boss”.

“OK Boss, sorry!”

The Elves disappeared to continue their partying. Father Christmas knew he had a wonderful workforce but some of them were so young. Looking at them as they made their merry way, he could see several that weren’t even 300 years old. Nevertheless, he looked on with pride. “Ho, ho, ho,” he confided to his oldest friend, “They’re good boys.”

“Yes, Old Friend,” agreed Elf Yewtree, “but we’d better get back to work.”

“Ho, ho, ho. You’re right. Let’s get their eyes free.”

Once the tape had been removed, each present heard Father Christmas address him personally. The magic had cut in again. Each boy saw a video of what had happened to him and received an explanation. This is what it boiled down to. You’ve lost your summer holiday. Dress as you are. Don’t forget your gift tags. Only your victims and you will be able to see what you really look like. Everyone else will see the uniform you can see here. (All except Jack, who saw a smart black and white outfit, saw the same uniform. They saw themselves in blue cargo shorts and yellow t-shirts. On each t-shirt “snow-capped” red writing announced, “Santa’s Little Helper.”) Failure to dress as you are and you will have to work naked. Again most people will not be able to see you like that, but you will and your victims will. If you wear anything different, everyone else will see you naked. Magic is a wonderful thing.

“Now are there any questions? No? Good.”

Old Father Christmas and Elf Yewtree made their unsteady way down the corridor. They didn’t think they’d join the youngsters’ party. “They’re such good kids. But some of those fairies do have very obliging natures.”

“Yes Boss.”

“Please don’t call me Boss.”

“Oops sorry, Santa.”

“Or Santa, pleeease. They’ll think I’m an American.” Elf Yewtree grinned; he knew how to wind-up his oldest friend.

“You know, all this “Ho, ho-bloody ho” doesn’t half knacker your voice.” So the two old friends continued uncertainly to their chambers. Each by now carried a no longer full bottle of sloe gin. They seemed to have forgotten the frightened boys who were still bound and gagged. Surely they weren’t going to leave them kneeling there and uncertain about their immediate fates?


On Christmas Day In the Morning


Christmas morning dawned. The skinhead youth awoke and sat up with a start. That must have been quite some dream. Sweat was rolling down his bare chest and back and channelling between the cheeks of his arse. He swung his pyjama-clad legs over the side of the bed and slowly regained his composure. Then he looked down and saw the thick ribbon and the gift tag. It said: A Present From Father Christmas.

The burglar also woke with a start. He looked over to where his little brother was still asleep. Then something made him look underneath his duvet. Oh, shit! How was he going to get out of bed without risking his brother seeing that jockstrap? He decided to wait it out, pretending to be asleep. He hoped that the excitement of Christmas morning would get to his brother soon. He didn’t have to wait long until his brother leapt out of bed with a whoop. His brother couldn’t work out why he didn’t immediately spring out of bed too. He soon gave up bouncing on his big brother and went to collect his presents. The burglar still clung desperately onto his duvet and waited ‘til he thought it was safe.

Jack thought, “Funny dream. Never mind - loot time!” He then sprang out of bed shaking his head to clear it. He trampled over the pile of clothes on the floor without noticing how tidily they had been piled. His hand was on the bedroom door handle before he looked down and noticed what he was wearing. That was a narrow escape. He had no idea how he would have explained the loin-cloth to his parents or to his big sister. He retreated to think things out and noticed the gift tag in the wreckage of his pile of clothing.

The other two boys awoke and found their gift tags. They reminded them of things to come. They dressed very carefully. Now all they had to do was hope that their families didn’t notice the rope-burns.

Christmas would never again be the same.

(((((-----00000-----)))))-----00000-----(((((-----00000-----)))))


Blessed be to all of good will on this Solstice.
A Merry Christmas to all my readers.
Wassail!
Xtc
Last edited by xtc on Fri Nov 30, 2012 8:05 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: The Real Father Christmas - And His Elves

Postby Chase Ricks » Wed Dec 21, 2011 10:08 am

Good one.
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Re: The Real Father Christmas - And His Elves

Postby tieguy04 » Thu Dec 22, 2011 3:12 pm

Loved this story! Kids all around the world are shaping up thanks to Father Christmas and his Elves. I think I'd be bad on purpose though in hopes they would pay me a visit :D

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Re: The Real Father Christmas - And His Elves

Postby xtc » Thu Dec 22, 2011 4:24 pm

"whoooossss" (intake of breath over teeth)
Beware: Shane's name is already on the list.
The backlog of work could take at least a year to clear.
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Re: The Real Father Christmas - And His Elves

Postby TUfriend » Sat Dec 24, 2011 11:37 am

I've been pretty bad this year. Lying to my parents about being gay. Do I get to be on this list?

And what's wrong with being American?
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Re: The Real Father Christmas - And His Elves

Postby Veracity » Fri Jan 06, 2012 10:46 pm

Ho ho ho! I almost missed this! Great stuff as always!

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Re: The Real Father Christmas - And His Elves

Postby cuffed247 » Sun Feb 26, 2012 9:25 am

Haha! Great stuff. You're a very talented writer, xtc/Father Christmas!

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Re: The Real Father Christmas - And His Elves

Postby xtc » Sun Feb 26, 2012 12:04 pm

Ho! Ho! Ho! Obviously a VERY good boy!
Thank you,
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Re: The Real Father Christmas - And His Elves

Postby xtc » Sun May 13, 2012 12:35 pm

I am commanded by Father Christmas to post this appeal on behalf of Elves Cobweb & Bindweed:

Dictated by Elf Cobweb & txted by Elf Bindweed
cum on u lot get ur letters rit n sent up the chimnees if u dont rat on the bad kids me n him is going 2 have 2 deliver train sets n blackbrees n sox this xmus n thats just boreing
pls tell us who ort 2 b presents this year
we need 2 no there names addresses discripshuns n watt thayv dun 2 dserv it
th ol man wont let us take volunteers help us pleas

Elf Yewtree
(pp Old Father Christmas)

PS for all those prurient people who are asking: no, Fairy Snowflake is NOT, as the uncouth have asked, “up the duff” this year.
Y
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Re: The Real Father Christmas - And His Elves

Postby xtc » Wed Sep 12, 2012 8:34 am

THE REAL FATHER CHRISTMAS AND HIS ELVES



The Elves are Depressed.


“Oh, come on, Santa, what are we going to do?”

“Please don’t call me Santa.”

“Oops! Sorry, Boss”. Old Father Christmas heaved a heavy sigh. He never expected visitors at this hour. He hadn’t even had time to get his green leather jerkin on before the Elves appeared in his rooms. He was even still in his pointed slippers: the sort that people expect to see his Elves wearing. Elves Cobweb and Bindweed were in quite an agitated state. It was September already and they’d found only two miscreants since last Christmas. They didn’t want to have to deliver toys, dreadful knitwear and socks on this Christmas Eve. They didn‘t even want to deliver the latest electronic gadgets. Their job was always to deliver the naughty kids and that’s what t hey wanted to do.

“I’m sorry, boys, you’re just too good at your jobs, there simply aren’t any naughty boys any more. They’ve all seen the error of their ways. I’m afraid it’s the tedious round of deliveries for your team this year. In any case, you two have already got a present each to deliver. Have you thought about what you’re going to do to them yet?”

“Yes, but what about the rest of the team?” Elf Bindweed sidelined Father Christmas’s attempt to distract him. Unsuccessfully! “Elf Dewfall’s so depressed, he’s started hitting the dandelion wine. We’re just as likely to find him in the khazi as in the lounge area these days.”

“Language, young Elf.”

“Sorry Guv’ner.”

“Please don’t call me ‘Guv’ner”.

“Oh, sorry, Santa. But Elves Eyebright and Starshine aren’t looking too sparkling either.”

“That is certainly very worrying. Is there going to be any scope at all for me to go, ‘Ho, ho ho!’ during this conversation? You know my fans expect it.”

“I’m sorry, Father Christmas, this is serious.”

“Yes, I’m sorry. But it’s far too early in the day to think about this. I’m sure I’ll be able to think more clearly once I’m on the outside of my breakfast.”

-----(((((00000)))))-----


A pair of kippers, a bowl of kedgeree and a few devilled kidneys later, the Elves found him again.

“Oh bugger! I thought you wouldn’t find me if I hid in the Library.”

“Look Boss, the workers are revolting.” It was a poor attempt at a joke and the Old Man didn’t rise to it. “We’ve got to find them some presents to deliver. It’s a waste of skilled workers just getting them to deliver unwanted tat. Most of it’s just been bought at the last minute in any case.”

“Have you tried getting the readers of that “Tie-up” site you’re always reading to rat on their friends?”

“Yes, I dictated something for Elf Cobweb to write and Elf Yewtree posted it for us.”

“Are you sure that’s the way round you two did it?” The thought of Elf Cobweb’s writing being posted for all to see was not going to be a good advert.

“Equal opportunities, Boss.” Father Christmas thought that there were times when his Elves were too politically correct.

“And what response did you get?”

“How many snowflakes settle on the blazing Yule Log?”

“OK, I’ll get that Cholmondley fellow to write this bit of our story up and see what response that gets. At least one of their readers ought to know someone who hasn’t been a good boy.”

“Thanks, Boss.”

“And what about those foolish fellows who wished that they could have been presents last year?”

“It’s no fun with volunteers. They enjoy themselves too much.”

“Could they not disguise their identities?”

“S’pose so. As long as we didn’t know what they’d done.”

“Very well, my faithful Elves, let’s see what this appeal produces. Now where’s that bottle of sloe gin? Ah! There it is. Ho, ho, ho!”
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Re: The Real Father Christmas - And His Elves

Postby Chase Ricks » Thu Sep 13, 2012 12:04 am

As i recall, I was a "bad boy" during the time this story first came out xtc but was I ever captured in character for your band of little light elf men and their boss Father Christmas? The answer is no. Come on after me if you still dare because if I can use my imagination for invasions of earth, I think I can handle your goon squad.

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Re: The Real Father Christmas - And His Elves

Postby TUfriend » Sun Sep 23, 2012 3:14 pm

I saw a new post and half expected it to be me...
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Re: The Real Father Christmas - And His Elves

Postby xtc » Sun Sep 23, 2012 4:12 pm

Beware! It's not too late.

I am told it's not too late!
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Re: The Real Father Christmas - And His Elves

Postby xtc » Fri Nov 30, 2012 4:21 am

At last! A letter to Father Christmas.
That should please the Elves!
Attachments
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Re-posted 12/12/13
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Re: The Real Father Christmas - And His Elves

Postby xtc » Fri Nov 30, 2012 7:35 am

NB. I've reposted the original story. Anyone who was put off by the bog-up caused to the punctuation when the site was updated might care to try again.
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Re: The Real Father Christmas - And His Elves

Postby NemesisPrime » Fri Nov 30, 2012 9:53 am

Wish I could be a present...I've only been a little naughty!
Everyone speaks in multiple languages...But gag talk is universal and a sock in your mouth is the perfect translator!


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